


A Blade Through My Heart

by Medu_Nefer



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Multi, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tags wil be added as we go, Whumptober, blade of marmora, i love them okay?, so i put them in tremendous pain, whumptober2019
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-28
Packaged: 2020-11-08 10:03:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20833646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Medu_Nefer/pseuds/Medu_Nefer
Summary: A series of BoM-centered oneshots for whumptober2019.





	1. 1 - Shaky Hands - Kolivan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kolivan returns to the Blade of Marmora headquarters after defeating Zarkon (post S2), and has some horrible realisations.

The base was eerily quiet when Kolivan stepped out of the lift. He knew there were Blades on the base – there had to be – but he couldn’t see or hear them.

He set off towards the main chamber on autopilot, his vision narrowing. He strained to hear Ulaz’s unmistakable yells at Blades who foolishly decided to forego their checkups when he would come from Thaldycon. Thace’s brilliant smile, so often accompanied by a wave of boisterous laughter, was absent. He couldn’t smell the unique scent of Antok’s several back and thigh scales typical of his grandmother’s people—

Kolivan doubled over, nausea sweeping down through his entire body. He had trouble breathing, his windpipe closing and making him wheeze.

Suddenly, images flashes before his eyes. He could see a whirlwind of faces, hear a cannonade of voices. All the Blades who had died with no records of their sacrifices.

Ulaz’s surprising skills at his Trials, the quiet grunts he let out as he insisted on stitching himself up afterwards. The determined set of his body and focused look on his face as he got to patch up injured brothers. The way he always spoke up if he disagreed with Kolivan or his predecessor.

The face Thace made when he had awoken his blade. The even tone of his reports. The unstoppable blizzard of jokes and witty comments that could come from him at almost any moment.

The way their faces lit up whenever they saw each other, long before either of them realised anything.

The way Thace seemed to have lost so much of his energy and the characteristic glint in his eye during their first contact after Ulaz’s death.

‘Stars,’ Kolivan choked, his heart seizing painfully in his chest.

Ulaz was dead. Sacrificed himself to give Voltron a chance. He had disobeyed Kolivan’s direct orders to free Shiro and then stood by his beliefs and died for them. And he had been right. Voltron had been reformed and became the symbol of hope for the entire universe. To void with everything, those Paladins had taken Zarkon down. He had been right the entire time. Perhaps the previous leader should have gone with his gut instinct and appointed Ulaz rather than Kolivan. Perhaps all of this would have ended sooner, and with fewer casualties.

And now Thace was dead too. Blown up. Kolivan could only hope he was close to the epicentre and died quickly. What was it he had said during one of their last check-ins, before he got caught? Kolivan had told him to be careful and he... Ah, yes. “I’d rather be nowhere with him than somewhere without him”. Meant to be a joke said in a sad tone, and chilled Kolivan to the bone instead – because he was painfully aware of how true it was.

It wasn’t fair. Love like theirs – however foolish in the war they fought – shouldn’t end. Not like this. Not so close to the end.

Kolivan straightened, forcing the two out of his mind. He was the leader of the Blade of Marmora, he couldn’t afford to grieve. He had to keep moving forward so that none of the sacrifices would go to waste. They had to have meaning or else what was the point? He could store data about each fallen Blade like he had for centuries and broadcast it into space once the war was over, so the memory of them would live on.

He took a few deep breaths and circled his shoulders, trying to loosen his tense muscles. If he was lucky, perhaps he could get Antok to—

Antok was dead too. Murdered by a druid. His quintessence sucked out like it was nothing. His bodyguard and right hand. His shadow. His advisor. His best friend and his rock. Gone. Forever. With nothing to remember him by. Not even his blade could have been retrieved.

What was he supposed to do? He had lost a man who had been his rival for the position of the leader; and even when they hadn’t seen eye to eye, they always aimed for the same thing, for the freedom of the universe. Now he had lost two other brilliant members, whom not only had he trusted with his life but also everyone else’s. In just one quintant.

He was alone and he didn’t what to do.

He needed them. More than he had thought he did.

‘—der? Kolivan?’

He jerked his head up, eyes wide, hand dropping to the pommel of his sword as he took in the sight in front of him. Regris, the youngest of the senior officers, was standing just a few meters from him, watching him carefully, his mask turned off. His muscular tail was twitching nervously by his feet, indicating his aggravation. Beyond him, a couple dozen Blades were huddled in the main chamber, discussing the battle and theorising about their future. None was looking in the direction of the corridor.

Kolivan’s gaze travelled to Regris’ face and the hybrid relaxed slightly.

‘Is everything all right?’ he asked, his sibilant voice surprisingly soft in the narrow space.

Kolivan watched his fellow Blade for a moment, then finally shook his head. ‘No. But it will be. Come on, we have work to do.’

When the reptile-Galra hybrid walked into the chamber to shush the gathering, Kolivan took a moment to make himself presentable and gather his thoughts. When he glanced at his hands to smooth down his robe, he realised they were shaking. And quite badly. He brought them to his face and stared at them, as if he was seeing them for the first time. And he kind of was – they had never _ever_ done that before.

Swallowing thickly, Kolivan looked over his shoulder. There was nothing – nobody – there. There wasn’t and would never be again.

He clasped his trembling hands behind his back, puffed up his chest and entered the chamber.


	2. 2 - Explosion - Thace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thace's final moments before the explosion at Zarkon's Central Command.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a little on the short side, which I don't like, but well, gotta start somewhere.

‘Shit.’

Thace snarled, baring his teeth, and gingerly reached a hand to his left pectoral, mindful of the agony of the druid’s wound. It throbbed with his heartbeat, making him anticipate every pulse with dismal dread.

He was going to die soon anyway, what was the point in feeling that pain for those short couple of moments more? He was already aching from the torture and brief skirmish with those two druids. Well, one, technically speaking. The Red Paladin had taken out one before anything started.

Thace stood up and twisted his body, instantly taking aim and shooting more sentries. Once perhaps half a dozen more littered the ground, he ducked behind the mainframe again.

His thoughts travelled to the young Paladin and he wondered if the boy had already reached the exit. He hoped so. Not just because he had to live. It would also mean his own time was running out – and frankly, he was getting impatient.

There was only one ache worse than the physical ones. It was buried deep in his chest and reached into every single atom of his body.

In his mind’s eye he saw Ulaz’s face and a nonexistent knife twisted in his heart. Ulaz, his partner, his mate. The beautiful love of his life.

His eyes smarted when he thought about the young he had wanted to raise with him. Void, they had never talked about their future in case one of them died and the other lost not only the mate, but also the dreams. But he had still imagined their faces, their little smiles and curious eyes. He had imagined Ulaz, heavy with their young growing inside him, or holding their little one and nursing it. He had imagined holding them all in his arms, ready to take on the universe to provide for all of their needs.

Thace pushed those thoughts away with an angry growl. There were no young and there wouldn’t be. Ulaz was dead. Thace didn’t even know the manner of his death, because if he knew one thing about himself, he wouldn’t be able to bear it, especially if his own actions had any sort of impact on it – and he did have a mission to carry out, after all.

Letting Ulaz’s image into his mind, he rose once more and shot a few more sentries.

_I’d rather be nowhere with him than somewhere without him._

He knew he had chipped a little piece of Kolivan’s heart when he said it. And now he was going to be another addition to the ever-growing list of Marmoran casualties that had been the source of such pain for their leader. But Kolivan had Antok to look after him. He would be all right. And Thace had nobody now. He belonged with Ulaz and would follow him, anywhere, always.

He dropped down again and noticed a pale reddish shade covering everything. Frowning, he looked up, only to see the cores overheating, way over their capacities. An involuntary smile bloomed on his lips and he closed his eyes.

It was getting warmer, too. Not quite like Ulaz’s embrace, but close.

There was a wave of heat, pressure and sound, tumbling towards him.

And then – nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'd rather be nowhere with her than somewhere without her." is a quote from Ricky Gervais' "AfterLife", one of the most touching series I've ever watched. That line made me sob so hard, and I think it's perfect for our Thulaz lovebirds.


	3. 3 - Delirium - Ulaz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When an undercover Marmoran operative becomes a threat to the organisation itself, it's Ulaz's responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen.

'We're here! No, no, no. We're everywhere!'

Ulaz’s eyes narrowed when he watched the video feed from one of the padded rooms. His ears were twitching slightly and he was mauling the inside of his cheek with his teeth beneath the technician mask covering the lower part of his face. 

Rarely did he question his position as a Blade, but it was one of those very few times. 

Kryva was an amazing undercover operative, he was a perfect actor who, as far as Ulaz knew, had never been suspected of anything. Not that other agents had - he simply had never stumbled upon a sentry patrol while recovering sensitive information, never caused anyone to question him, even his ascent in the hierarchy.

He was an old Galra, pure-blooded and respected by every other Commander. Every now and then, he would be stationed at the Central Command, before being deployed elsewhere.

Unfortunately, he had suffered from a brain injury obtained in one of the many battles he had managed to sabotage. Once he woke up from the coma, he was delirious and it had taken a lot of effort to get him sorted out again. However, he still had episodic attacks that had made everyone question his return to the service. 

When his attacks occured, he was unpredictable. Fortunately, they were extremely short, barely a couple of ticks. It was the only reason why Kolivan unwillingly agreed to let him go back to his undercover duties. In such a short time he would be unable to babble about the Blade of Marmora.

But now Ulaz had been assigned (he might or might not have hacked the system to ensure his selection) to watch him while the delirium settled in again. For three full quintants and still counting.

Ulaz bit his lip, his canines piercing the soft skin easily in his absentminded state.

He remembered perfectly well what he was supposed to do in such a situation - and the order had been given by Kryva himself, in person.

Still, he simply couldn't bring himself to push the button and fill the room with sedative mixed with a neurotoxin. Its effect would be similar to an aneurysm, and his death would be peaceful. He would start feeling sleepy, get to lie on the bed, fall asleep - and never wake up again.

Kolivan's order had come in just two vargas ago, urging him to fulfil his duty.

Every breath Kryva took could reveal the presence of rebels, and at the highest levels, no less.

To the void, the "we" he was currently yelling and murmuring about by turns was actually the Blade of Marmora.

Ulaz couldn't risk everything.

He shoved the pad into his pocket and stalked closer to the room. He opened the peephole and peered inside.

Kryva backed into the far corner, glaring at him and snarling. No recognition.

'Kryva?' Ulaz called out, knowing full well it was futile. 

The old Galra's entire body tensed and suspicion gnawed at him. Suddenly, his head flopped to the side and he barred his teeth, eyes focused on empty air. 

'So not come any closer, abomination,' he spat out. 'Your witch won't be able to help you once I'm done with you.' His hands slashed in front of him, his claws connecting with nothing.

Just like that, Ulaz was forgotten and Kryva engaged in a fight with a non-existent Druid. 

With a final growl, Ulaz snapped the peephole closed and stalked over to the console controlling the ventilating system of the cell.

He steeled himself for what he had to do and took one final look at Kolivan's message, before deleting it. It would self-destruct but the action helped him ground himself. 

He pressed the button, heard a hiss of the hydraulics overhead, and kept his breathing even.

Behind him, Kryva's agitated voice slowly calmed down and quietened, until he went silent and Ulaz could hear only a faint creak of his bed, just once.

'Knowledge or death.'

Ulaz gritted his teeth and set to staging the scene and faking an autopsy report. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even going to proofread this ;_;


	4. 6 - Dragged Away - Ilun & Vrek

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ilun and Vrek find themselves fighting at the last stand, facing odds like never before, at the hands of Druids.

Another wave of black flashes filled the sky, seeking any living beings to feed off their quintessence. The effect of the Komar, just on much smaller scale.

Not small enough, though. They were still being struck, dying in their dozens as they fought for themselves, for their brothers and sisters, and the brotherhood itself.

But despite their extraordinary skill and drive, the Blade of Marmora were falling too fast to the Druids' dirty ways. They were taking those masked bastards out but at a horrible cost.

Bodies of both Druids and Blades littered the ground, with the majority belonging to the latter.

Vrek flinched when a net of black flashes cut through the air at his head's level, merely a pace from him. His head snapped towards the source just to see about a dozen Blades throwing themselves at the Druid at the same moment. He watched as at least five were struck, three dead before they hit the ground. But enough luxite blades tore into his body and the Druid imploded.

A hand landed on his shoulder and immediately squeezed, letting him know it was Ilun. He glanced over his shoulder at her, noting the numerous scratches and dents in her armour.

'We need to get to Kolivan,' Ilun said, pointing in the direction where their leader has been last seen about half a varga ago.

Vrek nodded, a grim expression settling on his face. It was hard enough out there, a good distance away from the focal point of the assault.

They began their trek through the rubble, their aching limbs feeling too heavy and heavier still every time they aided their siblings in their battles.

Vrek wasn't sure if they had any real chances of winning. But, whether he liked it or not, it was their best chance. And dying at his trusted companions' side was preferable to being picked out one by one, no doubts about that.

But his heart was still heavy with his grief and desperation. They had worked so hard to get to where they did. They had kept their existence a secret for so many deca-phoebs, even under Zarkon's own nose. And now they could very well all die here, on this planet.

Not for the first time, he wondered what happened to Voltron, and a shadow of a doubt sneaked into his heart. If Voltron was gone, the Coalition was in shambles, and now they were wiped out, there would be no one left to fight.

Sendak, all the little warlords, and the Druids would bring chaos and destruction to the universe.

Perhaps it was better they were so likely to die here. Seeing all they had worked for so hard being reduced to ashes had been painful enough as it was. Losing even more would be a devastating blow.

Still, if they did survive this hell, they could rebuild. They had created the underground once and would do so again.

It would really make things easier if Kolivan was alive, though. They needed to find him and ensure his safety. Well, survival. Vrek was perfectly fine with survival.

Finally, one they climbed a lone standing wall of a fallen building, they managed to locate the Marmoran leader. He was cut and tired, but very much leading the defence still.

In Vrek's opinion, Kolivan would have made a great Paladin. Not that he'd be pleased with their leader leaving to pilot one of the Lions. No. Definitely not pleased at all.

'I'm worried about the left flank.'

Vrek tilted his head to one side and looked in the proper direction at the sound of Ilun's voice. It did seem to weaken there. It still held but reinforcing seemed like a good idea.

Vrek motioned to Ilun to follow him and started to slip down the wall.

In the end, what they had seen didn't even matter. There was a shivering travelling through the wall, a loud cracking noise, and the structure exploded in a rain of debris, laced through with Druid magic, the twisted black fingers reaching for any who dared come close enough.

Still falling, Vrek felt how a big piece of the structure hit him square in the chest, denting his armour to the point where horrible pain exploded in his ribcage.

The next thing he knew, he was hitting the ground in a heap of limbs. Hard.

Then came the black.

* * *

  
The pain was extraordinary, he decided, when something tugged at his back, his legs dragging over a mass of bricks and chipped stones.

His head was spinning and his vision swam as nausea swept through him. He could taste the sour taste of blood on his tongue and his breathing was laboured.

Bumping into things below and behind him definitely didn't help.

He managed to twist his head a little and saw the underside of Ilun's chin. Her mask was disabled and the thin fur covering her face was matted with blood and dust. There was a big tear in the arm of her suit and she was limping.

And yet she still dragged him away from the site of the explosion.

He could barely move, his energy completely reduced to almost nothing. It seemed like a Druid had landed at least one actual hit.

He disabled his mask, catching Ilun's attention. He gave her a tiny smile that she tried to mirror but was interrupted by a coughing fit that had wreaked through Vrek's body and dragged a trickle of blood down the corner of his mouth.

It was terrifyingly quiet. Not silent, not quite yet, but the sounds were muffled and distant, as if a lot of the fighting had ceased. It was hard to say how much time had passed or whose numbers were greater.

They were getting away from the battlefield and a flicker of anger burned hot inside his chest, even if just for a tick.

Of course Ilun was getting them away, she had no choice. They were in no fit state to fight, obviously. His ribs were broken at best, and he could be haemorrhaging internally at worst. If he was, he was as good as dead. No medics, no medical equipment. If one suffered a critical injury, they were already dead. It was as simple as that.

He could only hope Ilun wasn't seriously wounded. She might just be the only Blade remaining.

With a heavy sigh, Vrek resigned himself to his fate, be it death or an unwinnable fight against all too powerful foes.

He wasn't sure which one he dreaded more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just yesterday I found out Vrek was mute, oops *side-eyes Safe Haven warily*
> 
> EDIT: Yeah, I've just realised I've written the wrong prompt. It was supposed to be "Human Shield" and somewhere along the way I switched the two for whatever reason. So we might be skipping numero quattro (the actual one)


	5. 5 - Gunpoint - Thace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eventually, years of grief and guilt get the better of Thace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Suicide/Suicide Attempt

The glass clinked quietly when Thace set it down with not enough care. The Galra winced and looked up at the bartender but the accident apparently went unnoticed.

Before he took another sip of his drink, he heard a familiar voice cry out in triumph and he turned slightly to look over his shoulder. Then, he raised his arm and waved, catching the newcomers’ attention.

The Paladins approached him with Lance leading the way. The Blue Paladin patted him on the shoulder and peeked into his glass.

‘Whatcha drinking, big guy?’

Thace shrugged. ‘Just some whisky, I think.’

‘You think?’

Thace turned to look at Keith, taking in his raised eyebrow and a poorly suppressed smirk. Then, he grinned and leaned back on the bar.

‘Well, you took your time. Had to entertain myself somehow.’

He could feel the pull of the scar tissue on his face when his lips spread in a smile. It’s been deca-phoebs since the end of the war, and three more since the explosion that had cost him his left arm and leg and left huge plains of scar tissue on his body.

Now, he no longer felt pain – or at least, not for the most part. There were bad days too, of course. He was lucky he had prostheses, though, and at least the limbs themselves never ached or failed him in any other way.

Three vargas later found the six Paladins, Coran and Thace at a table in the far corner of the bar. Glasses and plates littered the tabletop, and boisterous laughter filled the air.

They remembered the endless shenanigans the youngsters had always seemed to be up to in the Castle of Lions. They laughed upon hearing some of Coran’s ridiculous anecdotes. They fake-gagged when Lance kissed Allura on the cheek and she whispered in his ear.

At some point, Thace leaned back and took them all in, basking in their camaraderie and friendship. They were all so different but fit together perfectly.

Shiro, the reason they were here now in the first place. The poor man had been through so much and still remained such a sweet person.

Keith, the lone-wolf-turned-family-man, grown so much. A true hero, with so much space in his heart and the wish to push as many people into it as possible. He was Thace’s favourite, if he was honest. Shiro was close second.

Lance, so happy and cheerful, and supportive. They had all been working on his insecurities and now there was less troubling him, finally.

Hunk, a true sweetheart. A culinary and technological genius in soft packaging. He always put Thace at ease.

Pidge, who made him realise he wasn’t quite as good at hacking or programming as he had thought. And there was nothing more important to her than her family.

Allura, so strong and brave in the face of horrible tragedy. She wasn’t perfect, but then again, who was? She was as perfect as one could.

And Coran. This man was a treasure, really. He really was a gorgeous man.

A little unwillingly, he returned his focus to the current topic. It appeared the Earthlings were exchanging their best “pick up lines”. He listened to them for a while, delighting in the Alteans’ almost horrified expressions, until everyone turned to him expectantly.

Thace pursed his lips, faking being in deep thought. Then, he leaned forward, half-hooded eyes fixed on Lance and a teasing smirk tugging at his lips.

‘If looks could kill, you would be a weapon of mass destruction.’

The table erupted in laughter, Thace’s own louder than anyone else’s. They didn’t have to know it would actually be a good one for a Galra, since fighting was in their blood. Irrelevant now.

Eventually, Thace decided it was time to call it a night.

‘All right, I’m going to head home,’ he announced, seeing slightly unfocused faces turning towards him. ‘I’m really glad we managed to meet tonight. I had fun.’

‘Aww, come here, you big guy!’ Lance cried and threw himself at Thace, wrapping his arms around his huge frame.

Soon, both Alteans and Paladins had had their turn, and only Keith remained. Thace hugged him for a little longer than the others, and held him a little more tightly. When he finally released him, he still kept his hands on the young man’s shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

‘Tell Krolia I miss our old days, and that I’m glad I’ve met her. And Kolivan, too.’

Keith frowned. ‘Why won’t you tell them yourself?’

Thace shrugged. ‘It may be a while until I see them again, and you will, and soon. That’s all.’

The spy gave the youngster a reassuring smile and finally let him go. He glanced at them all once more, made his final farewells, and left.

The night was brisk and quite dark already. Well, all the better views. Thace loved Earth, especially at night. The quiet, empty streets with few people scurrying around and an odd vehicle driving unhurriedly. Sometimes, he could see the stars.

That was one of the drawbacks of living on Earth. Humans loved their light and surrounded themselves with it, making it hard to spot anything in the sky at night. Still, the rest made up for the lack of visible celestial bodies.

The walk to his apartment wasn’t long, maybe just over a dozen doboshes. To Thace, it felt both all too short and like eternity.

When he walked up the stairs, he let all traces of his smile drop from his face, returning to the more natural expression of indifference and tiredness. Stars, did he feel old. Strange, since he had been fine just a couple of deca-phoebs ago.

The thought made him grit his teeth and he didn’t waste any more time getting inside his apartment.

It was a luxurious, beautiful place, tasteful yet cosy. The interior was a perfect blend of Galra technology and decorations with Earth’s usual interior designs.

Thace hated it.

It was quiet and empty, devoid of what he had always believed truly made a place one’s home.

The Marmoran took his jacket off and hung it in the wardrobe, then padded over to the kitchen island and drank the rest of the water from his half-empty glass. After that, he took some time to clean up the place.

And then, he slowly walked over to the massive window in the living room, stopping just by the coffee table. He stared at the dark silhouettes of trees of the nearby park, then lifted his gaze to check if he could see any stars. Just barely, but yes.

Well, it would have to do.

Without looking, he reached down and grabbed the only object on the table, and brought it closer to his face.

A brand new model of a pulse gun. He didn’t know exactly how it worked but enough to know it would do for what he had planned. And it wasn’t messy, so there was that.

Taking a deep breath, he raised it to his head, pointing at his temple.

An awful smile tugged at his lips. He must be really messed up if all he could feel was impatience – and pain, always pain.

He unlocked it and was about to press the trigger when he heard something. Before he could do anything, he felt someone’s presence behind him.

‘Thace?’

He turned on his heel, his eyes locking with Keith’s. Thace hated how small and confused his voice had sounded. Now, he was staring at the spy as if he had never seen an alien before, his eyes wide and his mouth partially open.

‘I think I’ve left my book last time I came over,’ the youngster whispered, eyes still glued to Thace and his still poised arm. ‘You weren’t picking up your phone so I decided to come over myself.’

Thace’s eyes narrowed and he used his free hand to point at the bookshelf without a word.

But Keith didn’t move. He was scared and his Galra features were showing.

‘Put it away, Thace, please,’ he said softly.

The Galra shook his head slowly. ‘I can’t.’

‘Yes, you can, Thace. You don’t have to do this. Whatever it is, we can deal with it, okay? It’s all right.’

And just like that, Thace snapped. The tame in his heart broke and he started shaking.

‘No! No, it isn’t!’ He was breathing heavily now. ‘He’s dead. He’s dead and I got him killed,’ he rasped, desperation making him sound crazed.

‘What are you talking about?’

‘If I hadn’t lowered the solar barrier, Prorok wouldn’t have been transformed. He wouldn’t have been sent after you.’

It had taken a moment for Keith to connect the dots but when he did, a horrible pang lanced through his heart.

‘Thace, you had nothing to do with Ulaz’s death. You really didn’t. He sacrificed himself to save us, because we couldn’t defeat that Robeast. Please, Thace, put it down.’

‘No, no, no, no, no. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. I could have stopped it. I could have done something.’

‘No, Thace, you couldn’t. It was Zarkon who gave the order and Haggar who transformed him. You had nothing to do with it. Do you blame us?’

‘No.’

‘Then why are you doing this to yourself? It was war, Thace, people died. All we can do is remember and honour them by living the life we all wanted.’

‘I can’t do it anymore,’ Thace mumbled, as if he no longer could hear Keith. ‘I can’t do _this_.’

‘Yes, you can, Thace. We’re here for you. You know that.’

‘No, I— I need him. I need him _here_.’

‘I know you’re hurting, and that Ulaz was your friend. I don’t think it’s your fault, but if you do, Thace, each of our actions could have condemned someone. If we hadn’t been gone for three years, the Blade wouldn’t be picked out the way it was.’

‘You don’t know how it feels.’ Thace’s throat was burning, as if he’d swallowed a shot of pure acid. He was dimly aware that he was crying but he didn’t care. He didn’t have the strength to keep pretending anymore.

‘Thace, I—’

‘You haven’t killed your mate!’

He couldn’t stand looking at Keith, at the heartbroken look on his face. He turned back to the window, saw how badly his hand shook. He kept looking at Keith’s reflection and made sure the youngster was aware of that.

‘I’d rather be nowhere with him than somewhere without him.’

He wasn’t sure what he was doing but he had been lost ever since he found out about Ulaz’s death. He couldn’t imagine living a violence-free life without the love of his life. No lazy mornings, no goodnight kisses, no future young. It was all gone. All of it, buried beneath the pitiful remains of his memory. And Thace didn’t want that. It wasn’t enough.

‘Thace, we all care about you,’ Keith spoke up suddenly. ‘We want to have you as our lifelong friend, not one we have to bury, and at time of peace.‘

Thace didn’t respond.

‘Do you think Ulaz would want you to do this?’

He shook his head slightly. ‘No. It would break his heart,’ he whispered.

‘We love you, Thace. Please, don’t do this. You know your place.’

Keith was right. They all cared about him. Hunk had been sending him recipes to try out, just because he thought Thace might like them, and he had never asked for it. Pidge sent him memes daily. Lance would call him once a week and prattle about his life, and how amazing the New Altea was, and insisting that he had to come visit. Coran would invite him to movies when he was on Earth so they could learn more about the culture.

Every single one of them had accepted him as a part of the team. Each of them would be heartbroken if he died.

Keith was right. He knew his place.

People belonged together, even if separated by worlds – like the Paladins.

His hand stopped shaking and remained as motionless as the prosthetic. Tension left his body, leaving him feeling unbelievably light.

He found Keith’s eyes in the reflection.

‘Yes, Keith. I do. Thank you.’ He smiled at the reflection and his smile turned soft when he saw Keith’s own lighting up his face.

His finger twitched against the trigger.

He belonged with Ulaz, always and forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, you know what I meant by that.  
But hey, if you want it to mean the happier version, go ahead! It's an ambiguous ending.
> 
> P.S. Sorry (not sorry) for milking that Ricky Gervais quote.


	6. 7 - Isolation - Ulaz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After his outrageous breaking of orders, Ulaz is forced to man Thaldycon all on his own, while having little to no contact with most of the brotherhood.

The worst part of it, Ulaz thought, was how miserable he felt.

With a heavy sigh, he rotated himself on the swivel chair, his claws scrapping against the metal if his desk. He winced and let his hand drop into his lap.

He knew it would be hard on him but he hadn't expected just how hard.

He didn't mind Kolivan being mad at him, never really did. He was used to being held to different, higher standards ever since Hanthrok, the former leader of the Blade of Marmora, pointed the two of them as his possible successors. In the end, it was Kolivan's adherence to rules that got him the position, even though Hanthrok had seriously considered his knack for following his gut instinct. "If an opportunity presents itself and we're not prepared, it's better to wait it out until it happens a second time, when we're ready."

Ulaz scoffed when he remembered him saying that. It wasn't that he wanted to be the leader, it was more responsibility than he had thought he'd get throughout his entire life, and definitely more than he was comfortable with. But he knew sometimes his actions were the only sensible course of action. He didn't throw caution to the wind _every_ chance he got. He always weighed his options.

And no matter how many times he calculated, freeing Shiro - the Champion - was always the right way to go.

One quintant, Kolivan would see he was right.  
He hoped. If not, he would have left Thace behind for no reason at all.

His heart twisted painfully in his chest when he thought about his mate, hundreds, if not thousands, of light years away. He had thought being so close and unable to acknowledge each other was an agony but only being forced to separate showed him what pain truly was.

He was scared. No, he was quiznaking terrified.

One of the reasons why he decided to take the risk with Shiro - apart from the obvious - was the wish to see the war end and make sure Thace made it. To get him _out of there_.

And now Kolivan had demanded Thace's messages go directly to him, with no transmission to Thaldycon, so he didn't even know how he was doing anymore.

Thankfully, Thace's equipment was heavily encrypted and rigged to explode if someone unfit tried to access it, just in case. Thace was the best of the best; if there was anyone who could extract the desired data and stay safe while doing it it was him.

But Ulaz still worried. He was now blind and deaf, and for all he knew, the love of his life was in grave danger every tick.

He kind of hated Kolivan for doing it. There was no basis for excluding Thaldycon from the communication between the headquarters and Central Command; he did it purely to punish him.

He gritted his teeth, eager to see the results of his actions, to know the Blue Lion was safe on Earth.

He definitely wasn't above rubbing it into Kolivan's face.

All he needed was for it to happen before Thace got hurt. And on a bad quintant, he worried sick he might have gotten him in trouble, alerting Zarkon there might be some resistance. He hoped he was taken for a single person, not a part of an organization, but he couldn't possibly know.

Kolivan had cut him from nearly all communication nets. He couldn't do _anything_. 

He had never felt more alone in his entire life. Not even when he was one of the very few on his home planet who dared speak openly about the wrongs of the Galra way. Or when as a kid he was surrounded by his young neighbours and asked about his parents.

He almost made his neck crack when he tried to bend his neck backwards over the back of the chair and stare at the mainframe's screen behind him.

His muscles started to strain when suddenly, there was a distinctive ping and a small purple dot appeared in the upper right corner.  
He almost crashed to the ground in his hurry to get over there as soon as physically possible.

Kolivan had awarded him one small mercy that right now didn't feel so small at all.

His eyes locked on the dot that represented Thace's active transmission. His hand drifted slowly towards the gentle glow, until his fingertips made contact with it.

At that moment, he thought the longing would kill him.

There was nothing he wanted more than to let Thace know he was there, and always thinking about him. The need wss burning bright within him, making him genuinely feel stinging in his throat. He was feeling sick and weak.

Too soon, the dot disappeared, contact finished.

Ulaz felt his heart drop into his boots.

There was nothing he wouldn't do to stop being alone. Even being back with the Blades at the headquarters would have lessened the pain, even though there was only one person who was his true safe haven, his home.

He hated being alone more than anything.


	8. 24 - Secret Injury - Ulaz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ulaz keeps his injury a secret, wrongfully believing it to be superficial.

Ulaz grunted when the shockwave bowled him into some heavy machinery standing by the far wall. He felt his jaw connect with some metal protrusion, then his cheekbone and browridge as well.

Meanwhile, his body slammed into a set of cogs, gears and bolts, erupting in a wave of dull pain radiating into his spine, skull and each of his limbs.

When his ears stopped ringing, he slowly started working on extracting himself. It was a tedious process, demanding full attention in his stunned state. Some of the bolts, each at a different angle, had pierced his armour and if he shifted his weight onto them, he might end up driving them into his body. If they hadn’t torn through his skin already, that is. It was hard to tell, what with how his entire body ached from the collision.

He managed to slide off the construction just as the rest of his team dashed into the room.

‘Ulaz!’

Regris hissed and his tail swatted at Thace’s arm. ‘No names!’

Thace tilted his head in a gesture of apology, and trotted towards Ulaz but another explosion – this time far enough to merely make everything shake rather than catapult everyone from their feet – stopped him in his tracks.

They all looked in the direction of the sound but Ulaz’s attention was quickly pulled from it and to his stomach. He pressed his fingers against one of the tears in his suit and felt a nauseating lance of acute pain.

When he brought his hand closer to his eyes, it was covered in red.

An angry scowl worked its way onto his masked face as he glared at the hot liquid on his glove.

An injury was a basis for cutting a mission short. Risking a Blade’s life and more importantly, possibly revealing the presence of rebels to the Galra, was more important than gathering intel, barring some very extreme instances.

But they were almost done and their team had never failed a single mission before.

He reached into the pouch on his belt and grabbed a sealant foam in spray.

‘We need to get moving,’ Regris said, tailtip flicking nervously.

‘Just let me seal the tears and I’m ready to go.’

‘Are you sure?’

When Ulaz lifted his gaze, Thace was standing just a few paces from him, worry clear in the set of his body. Ulaz reached out to him and squeezed his bicep. ‘You know I am, love.’

His words placated Thace and the slightly bigger Galra walked away to join Regris in planning their next move, allowing Ulaz to deal with sealing his suit.

‘Not the best substitute of proper medical care but hey, it works,’ the medic murmured under his breath, watching how the foam hardened.

While not made for the purpose of sealing wounds, Ulaz knew from experience it worked, and quite well. Yes, it left some irritation and might result in slightly longer recovery time but not even by much. None of the Blades he had patched up on the run ever complained.

It would hurt, yes, but he was going there mostly as support anyway. Regris was extracting data while Thace dealt with possible resistance. The variety of Ulaz’s skills made him a valuable aid in either of those positions, but his medical knowledge as well as agility usually granted him more of a spectator role for the most part.

Besides, in four vargas he would be in the medical wing of their base already.

They would be fine.

Both of them.

* * *

Ulaz watched a single comet cross the entire length of the massive window on one of the sub-decks of the Marmoran headquarters. He was sitting sideways on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest, head resting on the screen.

Some believed comets helped make wishes come true and a part of him desperately wanted to make one, but the other part was scoffing at the notion. Besides, there was nothing, no wish, that could fix what had gone wrong.

One of his hands dropped to his stomach, where a thick layer of bandages was wrapped around his wound. It had been deeper than he assumed. The foam had got into his bloodstream and got absorbed by the nearest organ, impairing its functions severely. It had taken a little more time than he calculated to get to the infirmary.

He stroked the bandages absentmindedly, staring out the window, lost in thought. It was possibly the worst day of his life and all he could do was sit there and stare.

Finally, he reached for the datapad that lay by his side and propped it up on his knees. He then turned it on and was greeted by a scan image. Most of the screen was light gray, tinted with pale blue, but there was a small pinkish shape in the middle. It was a blob, really; nothing more than a conglomeration of cells. Just his greatest dream.

He swiped at the screen with his thumb almost casually and blinked when the next scan image was displayed, from just vargas ago. All blue. No pink.

He bit his lip, hard, until he could taste blood on his tongue, to keep his sight from blurring. It was unfair, but that was what you got for being a quiznaking idiot.

Wouldn’t want to pass those genes on, now would we?

Suddenly, the door to the room slid open and Ulaz hurried to wipe at his eyes, just in case. His cheeks felt kind of moist.

When he looked up, he saw the enormous relief written all over Thace’s face and felt a pang of pain and guilt in his heart. Forcing a smile onto his face, he chirped softly for his mate, assuring him of his wellbeing. An answering trill eased some of his pain.

Ulaz looked down, knowing he had less than a dobosh until Thace got close enough to see for himself. He swiped back to the first image and stared hard at it, then looked up again to glance at his beloved’s face.

Without looking, he deleted the image and reached his free hand out for Thace. His mate gently helped him to his feet and kissed him on the forehead while his arms snaked around Ulaz’s torso to press him into his chest.

‘You okay, baby? I heard you did get hurt in that explosion.’

‘Yes, but it’s nothing big.’ Ulaz propped his head up on Thace’s collarbone and looked him in the eyes, a soft smile playing on his lips. ‘I am not cleared for duty quite yet though, so I guess I’m going to need someone to look after me. Preferably in my room. Bed sounds amazing.’

Thace’s deep laughter ruffled Ulaz’s mohawk. ‘Sounds good to me.’ He took a step back and appraised him carefully. However, he was unable to hide the playful tinkle in his eye. ‘Should I carry you there?’

Ulaz laughed, even though his chest still felt constricted, as if someone had clasped a metal band around him. ‘I definitely wouldn’t mind that.’

He slithered under Thace’s arm and pressed himself as close to his side as he possibly could, trying to sap his body heat and purring when his mate grabbed his free hand to intertwine their fingers.

Thace was Ulaz’s life, his universe, the very reason why he kept fighting no matter what. He needed to make this universe a place worth of Thace’s presence, a place where they could raise the young they dreamt of. He would do literally anything for him.

But there was no need for them both to grieve, was there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had it written even before October but my classes are crazy and: 1) I didn't even notice the date has come and passed, and 2) all my "spare" time I have to use for studying, so I probably wouldn't have had a moment to upload it anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> Once October is over, I'm gonna turn this into a series and the second work will include all the prompts I wanted to write but didn't manage to.


End file.
